Thank you, my angel

As Karen said, blind Mary taught me how eyes can make pictures. So what pictures do I see, looking back on this darkest night of 2008.

It's been a year of years. I feel as though I've hatched - and am as disoriented as the newly born. I have the awareness of love and the sensation of loneliness.

2008 began with a kiss. And on this turning of growing darkness to growing light, I have had my car smashed with me almost standing between my car and the SUV that hit me. I am thankful for my legs, which I would surely have lost had I still be standing there with my basket of laundry. I was so shaken when I got home, my laundry is still in the car that now emits steam from the radiator.

But what of this year? I have lost a relationship that I knew wasn't a fit. I have lost a job that didn't pay enough to live on. I have found a seeming endless supply of women who want to kiss but not date me. (Kind of awesome, kind of a bummer!) I have found the promise of a fruitful career, should I choose to remain in their employ. But above all, I have found myself.

I have a plan and finally value the act of planning. I have come to value the concept of taking the time to build a life - instead of looking for one to be thrust upon me. I believe that I can find whatever it is I set my mind to find - providing I actually look for it.

So at this, the turning of the tides, I vow to become that man who would befit the dreams I have for my life.

thank you my angel
for the clutter of my life
for dragging me
to the edge of the wilderness
just outside the land of promise

~OTR

Shiver me timbers

I'm leaving my family
leaving all my friends
my body's at home
but my heart's in the wind
where the clouds are like headlines
on a new front page sky
my tears are salt water
and the moon's full and high

and I know Martin Eden's
gonna be proud of me
many before me
have been drawn by the sea
To be up in the crows nest
singing my say
shiver me timbers
I'm a sailing away

And the fog's lifting
the sand's shifting
I'm drifting on out
Old captain Ahab
he ain't got nothing on me now

so swallow me
follow me
I'm traveling alone
blue water's my daughter
and I'm going to skip like a stone

So please call my mistress
tell her not to cry
'cause my goodbye is written
by the moon in the sky
Nobody knows me
I can't fathom my stayin'
shiver me timbers
I'm sailing away

And the fog's lifting
the sand's shifting
I'm drifting on out
Old captain Ahab
he ain't got nothing on me

so swallow me
follow me
I'm traveling alone
blue water's my daughter
and I'm going to skip like a stone

I'm leaving my family
leaving all my friends
my body's at home
but my heart's in the wind
where the clouds are like headlines
on a new front page sky
my tears are salt water
and the moon's full and high

~ Tom Waits

The end of October

I love the fall. I love being greeted by the crisp air and the red and yellow leaves as I walk out my door. Most of all, I love the thought of coffee as I rouse myself on a dark morning as it is the only thing that makes getting up seem worthwhile. But the dark is part of it.

Tonight, it will be Halloween. I'll hang out with Chris and wait for the masses of children to arrive at her door, looking for some candy and possibly some scary costumes. Perhaps I'll buy a mask...

They say that the veil between the living and the dead is the thinnest around this time of year. If you can get past the rampant commercialism there might be something to consider. Tonight, people from my culture will dress up but not know why. Tomorrow, Mexicans will celebrate Dia de los muertos in remembrance of those who have crossed over. Rather than being afraid of death, they embrace it as part of life.

As I hurl myself forward into the future, I enjoy the opportunity to pause for a moment and be thankful for all the past things that have got me to where I am.

FOUR THINGS TO REMEMBER FOR A FEW MINUTES

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

~Noah benShea

There is nothing left to throw

Any R.E.M. fans out there? Today, I'm thinking that Michael Stipe must have written "Find the River" for all of us struggling entrepreneurs.

Me, my thoughts are flowers strewn, ocean storm, bayberry moon.
I have got to leave to find my way
Watch the road and memorize this life that pass before my eyes,
nothing is going my way


It's not easy to chase your dreams. They're always further away then you hoped. The road is tougher and the climb is steeper. I don't begrudge the road that chose me but I wonder sometimes if I have the strength to walk it.

There is nothing left to throw
of ginger, lemon, indigo,
Coriander stem and rose of hay.

Strength and courage overrides
these privileged and weary eyes of
River poet search naivete.

Pick up here and chase the ride,
the river empties to the tide.
All of this is coming your way.

Yoga for caterpillars

I arrive at class

alone
          tired
                    and ugly

my hair is too short
my face looks funny
I see beautiful and strong people around me
and a reflection of someone who is unfashionable and fat

look to the sky
breathe

reaching for my ankles, my back resists
reaching again, it yields a little
stretching right and then left
my concerns fall with my sweat
land on my towel
                                   and disappear

sixty minutes in
soaking wet
on my knees, I lean back and open my chest
hands on my ankles
my heart opens too

bones to skin

the beautiful and strong people around me become
just people
also struggling to get through class

heart pounding
head buzzing
(just breathe)

and then we're there
lying on our mats
soaking wet

open

one by one
they pick up their mats and leave quietly

I look at my reflection
I am

alone
          tired
                    and beautiful

Up for the challenge?

Had a great conversation with a friend of mine tonight. I live to delve into whatever mystery it is that makes us human. Near the end of the evening, I started to wonder if I was pushing things too far. I was calling her on some things that I don't supposed she's examined before and she started to get defensive. I am very fortunate to have so many friends who call me on my shit (so regularly) that it's just becomes a way of life. I sometimes forget that this is an atypical form of communication.

It occurs to me that if people like a challenge, it's because we live from accomplishment to accomplishment. The greater the challenge, the greater the accomplishment. What if we didn't need our partners to be challenging (read: difficult) to keep us on our toes but rather, to challenge us to continually be honest with ourselves? Are we ready for that?

It's so much easier to say that someone else needs to change.


My photographs do me an injustice
they look just like me

~Phyllis Diller


(thanks for the book, M)

Life short, call now

I went a little crazy in 2006 and went on something of a dating frenzy. The attention was great and the relationships (if you can call them that) short. That'd be fine if I was in my 20s or not looking for anything serious - thing is, I'm 32 and not satisfied with these trite encounters. In the hopes of realigning my head and my heart, I went on something of a dating strike. Step outside the system in order to gain some insight into it.

My friends thought it was hilarious but for the most part, I kept it up. Now that I've gained a fresh perspective and I figured I'd get back out there. The first thing I've noticed is that people have so many defenses because it can be so crappy out there. When I didn't care how things went, rejection didn't bother me. Now, I'm a little flabbergasted by it.

"God knows we learn the hard way, all about a healthy apathy"

In Marshall Goldsmith's book, What got you here won't get you there, he notes that a lot of the traits that make us successful can also blind us to our weak points. Unfortunately, getting rid of those traits could potentially damage our future successes. The trick is to get rid of those traits that we think make us successful but really don't. But how do you know which to keep and which to let go of?

Overwhelming evidence seems to suggest that apathy (or at least the perception thereof) is one of the ones you need to keep to be successful in dating. Let's face it, we all like a challenge. It just seems a little disingenuous to be deliberately apathetic in order to peak the interest of the opposite sex, though again, anyone I know who does this tends to do well in the dating scene.

But wasn't I trying to leave that scene?


You've no idea how I long
For even one loving caress
For you to step into my heart
Without deception or duress

Life short-call now

~ Bruce Cockburn